CATALYST NEWS

Eva Dahm, CPCC, MA

January, 2004

Dedicated to your growth and exploration

LIFE INCLUDES LOSS AND GRIEF

"If we can meet our grief with courage and awareness, it can be the key that unlocks our hearts and forces us into a profound new experience of life and love." John Welshons

Many of my friends and family members are dealing with the loss of a loved one this year. Perhaps it's a reflection of sensitivity to loss after 9/11; lately it seems more noticeable that loss is a part of life. We attract people and experiences, and then we leave them behind or they leave us and move on to other jobs or other relationships. Change is a part of life. Loss and grief are facts of life.

MANY LOSSES IN LIFE

We think of death as the most obvious kind of loss, but really the loss of a job, a relationship, a friendship or even moving to a new city or state are all occasions for grieving to some extent. Even disease signals the body's sluffing off the old and creating the new way of being. Learning to handle these changes assists us when we lose a family member.

I know now after several personal experiences that when I lose a job, it is a signal that another awaits me. The first time this happened though, I was shocked and grieving. Now I see this is the on-going process of transition. We grieve the loss and look ahead to the future with a faith that something is out there. What faith do you have as a tool in facing change in your life?

I have a client who has systematically changed almost everything about her life-her home, her relationship, her friends, her goals in life, and her destructive patterns. Now she is moving from one career to another-the final frontier. It is easy for us to acknowledge who she is becoming. But these transitions mean she is also grieving the loss of who she was in the past. How many of us could make these vast changes?

Another client who is elderly has been dealing with the loss of abilities to do for others. Her body and her energy are diminished in these years. She now accepts her health and her abilities following our work together. She says with courage that she is doing what she can for others and for herself.

Ram Dass writes in Still Here about his acceptance of paralysis following a stroke. He still travels and lectures despite his limited physical ability. He talks about finally letting go and discovering the joys of being a passenger in a car who can ignore the traffic and enjoy the sights. He also discusses how his years of ignoring his body and pushing ahead with plans caught up with him when he had the stroke. What are you letting go of in your life?

MY EXPERIENCE OF LOSS

My great first personal loss was when my college relationship and marriage ended in divorce. I learned grief management skills quickly in that situation. I personally believe high schools should teach students about grief and how to handle it.

Here are some of my suggestions:
1. Have a good circle of friends who will listen when you want to talk. I actually sequenced my friends' visits so I didn't wear out one or two people with my discussions during my divorce.
2. Use the help of a professional therapist or coach if you feel it would help. I know it has helped me in the past.
3. Find some movies or music that will elicit your tears. It does not contribute to your health to hold back your tears or emotions. Our culture is biased against expressions of grief, and other cultures are not. Holding in your tears can create tears an odd times or even disease later. The losses I experienced seemed to add up on me until I did some processing-writing and crying.
4. Writing in a journal is also helpful to me. I can express concerns or feelings and be able to move on to the next feeling in the process.
5. Feel the sensations in your heart. Does it feel like it is breaking in two? In some ways, it is. The old life is changing into a new life. The broken heart will eventually heal and be more open to compassion for others.
6. Arrange time to be alone or with others as you need. There is no rush to get back to a routine unless you choose one. Keep in mind that your decision to pick up the pace is just that, a decision and not a requirement.

MY EXPOSURE TO DEATH

My first exposure to death was when as a college student, my great grandmother died at 100. Then in the next several years, I lost a great aunt and uncle who I had been around my whole life, my grandmother, a favorite aunt and a grandfather. Whew! Talk about fast changes. In just a few short years, all the extended family of my childhood was gone.

I loved the family gatherings and holidays because of the stories of these relatives. Holidays changed forever. I still seek out mature members of my church for friendships. I find a definite feeling of coming home with these experienced, nurturing friends.

CULTURE

After a death, culturally many of us have a visitation or wake and a funeral and then the message is-"well, it's over." I do not believe this custom serves us. Other cultures and faiths have a longer grieving process that allows more time for the relatives to process the changes.

Jewish people have seven days of mourning at home after the funeral for visits by friends. Then they honor a thirty-day mourning period for a spouse. They also focus on the one-year anniversary of the death for a memorial service. And after that on every anniversary they light a candle for 24 hours for the parent or spouse. I think these rituals mean they have the time to process grief more effectively.

No matter what the traditions, a loss changes you forever. A character on a TV drama said recently, "Not a day goes by that I don't think of my wife who died two years ago. A song, a word, a scent can all remind me of her." My parents recently lost a long-time friend, and my best memory of him is his laughter. I hear it ringing in my ears when I think of him. What a wonderful gift to the world!

AUNTIE JO

This week my partner recently lost her Auntie Jo at 90. What a wonderful, fun-loving person she was. She lived a light, spirit-filled life. She saw humor in the world and laughed at the silly things we all do. She traveled with friends and kept the same friends for years and years. She was well educated and a medical professional. I most admired her no-nonsense view of her life. She was advised by doctors to have heart surgery several years ago. She refused because she wanted a good quality life rather than weeks of recovery in a nursing home. She lived those several years in her own home taking care of herself (until the last few months when she had a little help).

The week of her death the doctors discussed using hospice so she could go home and face the end. She welcomed the end in a matter-of-fact way saying she was ready. Then she slipped away quietly to be with the angels. She looked death in the face. (She even had all her funeral arrangements and decisions made. It was so much easier for those left behind.) I realize not everyone has 90 years to be here or clear signals from doctors that the end is coming, but I hope everyone in her own way can make such a shift in thinking. What do you need to look squarely in the face?

RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T END

Years ago in a movie I have since forgotten, a character said, "Death changes a relationship, but as long as one person lives, death does not end the relationship." I believe that myself. I know people who continue to be tormented by a long-dead parent. I think it possible to be comforted by one as well.

I have read authors who suggest that we talk to our lost relatives when we feel the need. I think this is very helpful as I deal with loss. When we talk to our relatives, we can also listen in our hearts to sense their response.

I particularly feel the presence of my maternal grandmother with me frequently. She is a loving, nurturing, comforting presence reminding me of the unconditional love and support that is mine. A person who senses these things confirmed that she is watching over me and has brought many other angels to do the same. Take a moment to notice if you sense a presence keeping watch over you.

Still Here, Ram Dass.
Awakening from Grief, John E. Welshons.