CATALYST NEWS

Eva Dahm, CPCC, MA

February, 2003

Dedicated to your growth and exploration.

SELF ACCEPTANCE AND LOVE

Our culture encourages us to be in our heads and thoughts, so is it any wonder that authors say the farthest distance to travel is the 18 inches from our heads to our hearts.

How much of your day are you in your head-thinking through a problem or listing your chores or worrying about the next challenge. How open is your heart? And how often do you relate to others from your heart? It is easy to believe you are an open, loving person until you bump up against a not-so-loving person or get cut off in traffic. Then how do you act? It is a temptation, to fall into anger and blame. I now say "I imagine he has to be somewhere important in a hurry, so I will let him go ahead." It helps me to stay calm and centered.

YOU GET TO CHOOSE

I'm not suggesting that coming from either the head or the heart is WRONG. (Don't we love to use that word WRONG on others and ourselves?) The real issue is what's appropriate for the situation and the people. We would hope that if a friend suffered a loss of a family member that we would relate from empathy. However, I believe many of the "It's for the best." and "He lived a long life." and "With time you'll forget the loss." responses are not as empathetic response as "I'm sorry for the death of your loved one, I know you are grieving the loss now."

Can you get to your heart when you deal with the people in your life? Can you respond to the emotion of the situation with love and support? Or are you the well-meaning friend who wants to FIX the problem for another? Or top their problem with a bigger one of your own? Slow down and notice what you do.

DO YOU LOVE YOU?

Obviously the health of your heart impacts your ability to live a long life. But also the acceptance and love you show others is a measure of the love you have for yourself. This love creates the quality of your life TODAY. So, let's look at self-love.

If your messages to the world are filled with judgment of others for their WRONGS, then I can bet you are doing the same or worse to yourself. Stop for a minute and listen to the words in your head to yourself.

Oh, I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate when I'm trying to lose weight.
Darn, I did not handle that phone call well.
Rats, I look fat in these clothes.
I know I should have done my exercises today.
I really need to call my old office friends, but who's got the time?

OR DO YOU SAY

I enjoyed that chocolate, now I will go lighter on dinner and be fine.
What can I learn from that phone call I just completed?
I am losing more weight every day and look wonderful all the time.
I missed my treadmill time today, guess I'll make it up tomorrow.
No matter how busy I get, I want to create time to call my old friends since they supported me in the past.

Just notice the words you use to yourself. And take control over your run-away mind. The Buddhists call it "monkey mind." And many of us just follow along where ever the cute little thing hops. Since we all have monkey mind, the key is to OBSERVE it and take control to change your perspective.

A client recently explained a worry that was playing nonstop in her mind. She simply decided, "I can't do anything about it now, so I refuse to worry about it." She shifted her "worry tape" to off by changing her viewpoint. This was a conscious change she made for herself to give her more peace in the moment.

What we feel, we see reflected in the world. Ever experience comparing assessments of a third person with a friend or associate? Your associate believes the third is "arrogant
and self-centered." And you had no such reaction. This may be more a reflection of your associate's own feelings of being "less than" others.

So watch your thoughts about others to see the lessons for you. I have trouble with thoughtlessness in others. I love and accept when I am thoughtful of others. But my past and current times of being selfish or rude are a shadow I do not love right now. If I did accept this part of me, the behavior of others would not phase me at all. (See September, 2002 newsletter on Mirrors.)

BARRIERS TO LOVE

All religions have some teachings about loving our neighbors and our selves. From Christian to Islam to Jewish the emphasis is on all-encompassing love. Hinduism and Buddhism expand the embrace of love to all creatures not just people.

We are not talking about romantic love here, but the love of others in our lives, others on this planet and ourselves. (Notice I did not just others say in the USA since I believe we do far too little loving of other nations and peoples different from our comfortable groups or groups of allegiance.)

"Best of all, say several religions, this boundless love is already within us, hidden behind petty barriers such as fear and anger, yet eager to fill our hearts, to flood us with unspeakable joy, and to overflow into our lives and relationships." Roger Walsh, Essential Spirituality

If emotions are interfering with your feelings of love, don't be afraid to feel the anger or fear. Observing your body and its sensations when you feel them can inform you about your reactions. Pema Chodron suggests that to want to get rid of our feelings means "we naively cultivate a subtle aggression against ourselves." When we notice and finally understand our "automatic" reactions, we can choose to react from love instead. When I am aware I am judging others as selfish, I switch gears and say it's another reminder to love and accept my own selfish actions. I remind myself we all are doing our best at any one minute and we are also learning daily.

Perhaps some forgiveness of others is needed. This doesn't mean that you were not hurt or that your rights were not violated. It simply means the continued anger or hurt is holding US back, and not impacting the others at all. (Dr. Phil's mantra.)

FORGIVENESS MEDITATION

So take some time to note the ways you have hurt others. Then acknowledge the ways others have hurt you. Finally remember the times you hurt yourself-hearing that voice of blame and shame. You can write down the examples or simply think back to them.

Essential Spirituality suggests that you end each of these memory times with the following: "I ask for forgiveness, I ask for forgiveness." Then "I forgive you." Finally,
" I forgive myself." You may want to specify a name or names as you ask for and send forgiveness.

You also may need to repeat this exercise. As Jack Kornfield says:

"Forgiveness is a process. When you have been deeply wounded, the work of forgiveness can take years. It will go through many stages-grief, rage, sorrow, fear, and confusion-and in the end, if you let yourself feel the pain you carry, it will come as a relief, as a release for your heart. Forgiveness is fundamentally for your own sake, a way to carry the pain of the past no longer."

FEEL GRATITUDE

Another way to activate your feelings of love after you have worked on the barriers is to feel the gratitude and generosity that are hallmarks of compassionate love. We talked in November about the power of gratitude to change your life. (See that newsletter.)

You might also try two affirmations suggested by Roger Walsh.

"May I be happy, kind, loving and peaceful."

"May you be happy, kind, loving and peaceful."

"May all people be happy, kind, loving and peaceful."

"May all beings be happy, kind, loving and peaceful."

WHAT FEEDS YOUR HEART?

So when do you go to your heart? Just observe. Take time to discover what activities or being/doings nourish your heart?

Does your family, some favorite music, a sweet memory or photo, a special movie, or your devoted pet take you to your heart? When you speak to children or see them play, do you sense a warmth and expansion in your heart? Notice and choose to experience these things more. Care for and nourish your heart so you feel more love and have more to share.

"Being boundless, love spontaneously overflows as care and concern for others. This care is expressed in an ethical lifestyle that seeks to avoid doing harm and to enhance the well being of others. Ethical living both expresses love and further refines it." Roger Walsh.

If you'd like to discuss this whole area of self-love, feel free to contact me for a sample coaching. Since I am learning about self-care now, it would be fun to explore the whole area together.

Love and light, eva

When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron, Shambhala Publications.

Essential Spirituality: The Seven Central Practices to Awaken Heart and Mind, Roger Walsh, Wiley & Sons.

A Path with Heart, Jack Kornfield, Bantam.