CATALYST NEWS
Eva Dahm, CPCC, MA
May, 2003
Dedicated to your growth and exploration.
POWER OF FORGIVENESS
We all probably have heard about the Alcoholics
Anonymous step of assessing our lives and making
amends. This is based on freeing ourselves from
the past transgressions, grudges and anger. The
power of forgiveness to lighten our load and renew
wasted energy is huge.
Mary Marin Morrissey says in Building Your Field
of Dreams, "We all know the way it feels
to be judged unfairly by others. None of us relishes
the feeling of having been considered 'less than'
by another. This is a good motivator for us to
pursue forgiveness of others and ourselves.
In Essential Spirituality, Roger Walsh discusses
seven central practices that are common to all
the world's religions and that awaken the heart
and mind. When he discusses "Cultivating
emotional wisdom: heal your heart and learn to
love" a portion of the chapter is about the
importance of forgiveness.
Morrissey says realizing that we do not know
the life and perspective of the other person might
also help us to shift our judgment. A clerk or
waitperson who seems rather rude initially is
easily understood when we hear that they have
a huge family health problem. Our anger shifts
to compassion. "If we truly knew one another's
stories, how much compassion would we feel? We
can learn to accept that if we knew the true story
behind each hurtful action, compassion would be
our natural response."
The popular Dr. Phil says to his guests almost
every show that the lack of forgiveness is "holding
YOU back" and probably not even influencing
the person who slighted or mistreated you.
"The Course in Miracles" has one line
that says if we put someone else in jail; we then
have a full time job as a warden to watch over
them. Who have you condemned to a jail sentence?
How much of your energy of draining away while
you hold the keys?
LETTING GO IN LAYERS
It is so tempting to hold onto the wrongs perpetrated
on us. Then we can complain and get loads of sympathy.
We get to stay in the "poor me" victim
role and feel support of others. However, we don't
grow or change and we don't get to escape the
baggage weighing us down and fly! We don't have
a chance to realize that WE are creating our experiences
and life lessons for ourselves. Once, we accept
this idea, we can set about to create the experiences
we want in our lives. We are responsible and in
charge.
I have been working on some areas of forgiveness
lately and finding I have more energy as I shift
my heart and forgive. It is also interesting that
once I shift on one issue then another issue or
another layer comes to my attention. Forgiveness
is not something we do once and are done. And
even when we learn a huge forgiveness lesson,
we have new ones arise.
Morrissey says, "Forgiveness is not like
the chicken pox, which has to be dealt with only
once. The act of forgiveness does not bestow sainthood
upon you. It bestows freedom."
She also points out "Don't feel bad if you
cannot forgive others easily or readily. After
all, it took one woman more than two decades to
forgive her father for his atrocities."
I am currently working on some profound issues
for my self-development, old issues that seem
to be at the basis of how I've defined myself
for my whole life. It is so fascinating to see
how certain life occurrences impact small children
in a huge way. The interpretations that I created
of the situations became the modus operandi of
my life. So as I release these old stories, I
am freed to either act or not, to choose. But
no longer required to live up to some ideal that
I thought I needed to reach.
So how do we accomplish forgiveness, I'll share
some of my insights and resources.
SHIFTING TO FORGIVE
Time helps us to see that forgiveness is a natural
process. Sometimes we think back several years,
we can see a "bad" experience very differently:
the job we lost that lead to the perfect new career
or the failed relationship and resulting sorrow
that opened up our lives for a more satisfying,
mature partnership.
Walsh suggests that we look at three categories
when we are exploring forgiveness: things we did
or said to others, things they did to us, and
things we do to ourselves. Many of us think of
the first two areas when we consider old grudges,
but how about what we do to ourselves. I've discovered
that this area is a huge one for myself. I am
many times my own worst enemy. Becoming more aware
of the expectations I place on myself has assisted
me to lighten up and give myself "wiggle
room."
One excellent way to process these situations
is by using forgiveness letters (unmailed, of
course). When writing forgiveness letters recently,
I realized that a divorce many years ago was a
crucial time of self-growth. Painful, yes, and
also very enlightening. My compassion for others
grew sevenfold. And my understanding of how much
I had changed during the marriage was astounding.
I also was set again on my path of personal learning.
The possibility that growth and lessons come from
"bad" experiences (usually defined by
us using our limited perspective) is the basis
for Colin Tipping's book "Radical Forgiveness".
He takes forgiveness to a new level. Since the
lesson from the encounter is a crucial one for
our soul, at some level; he maintains, there was
never anything to forgive. Believing we are spiritual
beings having a human experience, Tipping argues
that before our human incarnation, we agree with
other souls to be human together and to offer
each other lessons. (If this seems too weird,
I ask that you simply allow for the possibility
it might be true and read on.)
Whether you buy his idea or not, I am sure you
can see past events which seemed horrible at the
time and later proved to be just another step
on your path. Also you do not need to totally
buy his philosophy of life to have the forgiveness
process create a lessening of anger and an opening
of your heart. Simply allowing for the possibility
creates space for a shift in feelings and energetic
charge.
And a further point he makes (a relief to me)
is that we don't need to "figure out"
all our lessons in our heads. We just need to
allow for the possibility that what happened IS
a perfect lesson. Just being willing to entertain
that possibility will begin to shift your perspective
on the other person or situation. You'll begin
to look at the situation as an observer rather
than someone emotionally ensnared in the experience.
Then you may get insights into what the lessons
might be. It is interesting that as long as we
hold on to an opinion, the shift cannot occur.
Once we are willing (even just a little) to see
it differently, things move.
Also you do not need to go back to ancient history
to heal yourself and learn the lesson. Because
if it is a large life lesson for you, it will
be presented over and over until you do heal it.
So the current situation is all you need address,
the lesson once learned will shift the others.
I will paste in a forgiveness letter format below
for you to use. I created it as a simplified version
of Tipping's radical forgiveness form, so if you
are interested, check out his book. I found that
in writing about two past relationships, I already
saw how my views had changed. I had let go of
blame and could see the lessons for both of us.
This allowed me to actually thank the other person
in my heart for the whole drama.
The other thing I appreciate about Tipping's
theory is that unlike AA, we do not have to go
back to the other person at all. If you feel a
need to, of course, that's your decision. The
key is changing YOUR mind about the experience,
seeing your lesson (or opening to eventually see
it) and thanking the other person for teaching
you. You also do not have to accept their behavior
at all. And you may still want to maintain a healthy
boundary that does not permit them in your life.
This is fine. Removing the "charge"
around the person and situation is the key. You'll
know if you have shifted your perspective or not
by the lessening of negative energy. (Check your
body sensations when you think of the person or
experience to be sure.)
You can also list wrongs you have committed or
experienced and then create a ritual to burn or
tear them up. This ritual destroys the energy
of the grievance and frees you to move on. Writing
about your gratitude for all of life's experiences-both
good and not so good is another way to better
appreciate all aspects of your life journey.
Walsh concludes: "Sometimes old hurts dissolve
rapidly doing forgiveness exercises. More often
they weaken slowly and the exercise must be repeated
several or even many times. Be gentle and patient
with yourself. If you find yourself getting impatient
and irritated with yourself, forgive that, too.
Forgiveness cannot be forced, but it can be practiced."
RESOURCES
Radical Forgiveness, Colin Tipping, 2002.
Building Your Field of Dreams, Mary Marin Morrissey,
1996.
Essential Spirituality, Roger Walsh, 1999.
A Course in Miracles, Foundation for Inner Peace,
1975
FORGIVENESS LETTER
Date: __________________ Subject: ________________________
1. The situation that is causing my discomfort
is:
2. I am upset because:
3. Because of what happened, I FEEL: (really vent
it all here and get beneath the anger)
4. Optional: I see a pattern in my life, a similar
situation. Note to myself:
5. I acknowledge my part in this situation, which
is:
6. I am willing to see this situation differently:
Yes No Maybe
7. My lessons from this encounter are: (OK to
skip this if you aren't sure)
8. ___________ (person in situation) is reflecting
what I need to accept in myself.
Yes No Maybe
9. ___________ (person in situation) is reflecting
a misperception of mine. In accepting, I heal
myself.
Yes No Maybe
10. I release my judgment of any right/wrong in
the situation.
Yes No Maybe
11. I release the need to blame and be right.
Yes No Maybe
12. I can choose to see the situation differently.
If you have an idea of a different perspective,
state it here. If not, move on.
WHEN ALONE, READ THESE STATEMENTS OUT LOUD:
13. I completely forgive myself and accept myself
as a loving, generous and creative being. I release
the need to hold onto emotions and ideas from
the past.
14. I completely forgive _________ (above-named
person) and acknowledge that we were teachers
for each other in this situation. I restore ______
(same individual) to LOVE. (This doesn't mean
you condone the behavior or cannot state a boundary
for yourself.)
15. I surrender to the Higher Power and trust
that this situation and my lessons will continue
to unfold perfectly. I feel reconnected with my
Divine Source. I am restored to my true nature,
which is LOVE.
16. I acknowledge that I am a spiritual being
having a human experience. I love and support
myself in every aspect of my humanness.
Modified from Radical Forgiveness, Colin Tipping,
2002.
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