CATALYST NEWS

Eva Dahm, CPCC, MA

November, 2003

Dedicated to your growth and exploration

ALL YOU NEED IS FRIENDS

"Each friend is indeed a world-a special sphere of certain emotions, experiences, memories, and qualities of personality…We are all made up of many worlds and each friendship brings one or more of those worlds to life." Thomas Moore, Soul Mates

The importance of having friends who care about you and support you cannot be diminished. When we are growing up, friends teach us new ways to relate to the world, ways that are outside our family's model. Friends validate who we are. Friends are another source of information about who we are-our values, our beliefs, and our goals.

So how many good friends do you have? Have you been friends for many years or just recently? It is interesting to notice if your "true friends" are people you grew up with or people you now see at school, work or church. What does it say about you to have friends in these two groups?

Does still having grade school friends mean you are loyal and committed to staying in touch or you feel safest with long-time relationships (any trouble trusting new ones)? Does having recent friends mean you have grown and changed and would not have much in common with older acquaintances? Or do you not keep in touch with high school or college buddies the way you would like, so they fade away?

OPEN YOUR HEART

"To voice something you're feeling and put observations into words with another person who is totally present is a creative act embodying the soul and love." Jean Shinoda Bolen, Handbook for the Soul

How open is your heart to new connections? How deep are your new friendships? Can you share that you are having a rough time and need support or are you always the one who has to be strong and give support?

In the past I would not easily share any cold or illness with others. Recently I caught cold while on a trip and was able to tell my good friends who lavished care and concern upon me. Now I know what I miss when I am not real with others who care.

NURTURING FRIENDSHIPS

"It is possible to take our closest relationships and our best friends for granted. The heart cannot live without intimacy. We all need special people in our lives to whom we can show our souls. But relationships need to be nurtured, nourished, and celebrated. Friendships won't last with out food. How do your feed your friendships?" Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels

At a recent retreat, one of the facts we discussed is that for women, when stress arises, one of the hormones created pushes women to look for connections and nurturing relationships. So friendships actually help women to deal with stress, prolong their lives, and provide contacts during difficult times. Do you turn to your friends in crises?

Friends help me tremendously during huge life changes. Listening, questioning, reaffirming me is invaluable. I can process my grief with them. And they are still my friends when I come out the other side.

For months I have been saying, I want to see my friends. But time to travel to the city (Chicago) is not easy to arrange. Then it hit me, I could call and keep in touch. While not the best, it will do in a pinch. One friend commented that it seems more difficult for her to find time now that some friends have moved further away and have spouses or partners. The circle of our lives expands to include new friends and family. Do we make the effort to keep in touch with other friends?

I am fortunate to have friends who can pick up when we meet again even after some time and begin talking as if we spoke yesterday. How wonderful to have people who know who I am and love me even if we have been separated for some time. Acceptance of friends is a golden gift.

A GOOD FRIEND

"I also remember the time that a friend came to me and told me that his wife had left him that day. He sat in front of me, tears streaming down his eyes. I didn't know what to say. There simply was nothing to say. My friend didn't need words. What he needed was simply to be with a friend. I held his hands in mine, and we sat there…silently." Henri J. M. Nouwen, Here and Now

How good a friend are you? Do you try to fix your friends when they share a problem? Or do you realize they only want to be heard, so you hold them gently and listen warmly? I have one friend for whom we each are trusting listeners for the other. I can tell her anything and feel safe and not judged. It certainly opens the flow of communications to even more trusting and confidentiality. Focus on listening to a friend with no judgment. Is that difficult for you?

When I run small groups, one of our ground rules is that no one can say anything to "fix" anyone else. I find when we begin to focus on the other person; we are taking our eyes off our own issues. Try seeing your reactions to your friends as being more about you than about them. What insights does that provide?

"From rocking horse to the rocking chair, friendship keeps teaching us about being human," writes cultural observer Letty Cottin Pogrebin. Making and keeping friends is a spiritual challenge requiring the diligent practice of kindness, listening, and nurturing. But the benefits are inestimable: the intimate sharing of ideas and ideals, unwavering support that is both honest and hopeful, mutual admiration and faithfulness. From childhood buddies to adult mentors and spiritual friends, these special individuals draw out the best that is in us. They are witnesses to our self-discoveries and spiritual unfolding." Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, Spiritual Literacy: Reading the Sacred in Everyday Life

Call a friend today and renew your relationship. Better yet, get together. It will feed your soul.