CATALYST NEWS

Eva Dahm, CPCC, MA

December, 2004

Dedicated to your growth and exploration

Getting Beyond the Time Wasters to Real Meaning

My latest read is There Must be MORE Than This by Judith Wright. The book deals with the time wasting pursuits we all use to numb ourselves and prevent a more fulfilling life.

Wright explains, "Soft addictions can be habits, compulsive behaviors, or recurring moods or thought patterns. Their essential defining quality is that they satisfy a surface want but ignore or block the satisfaction of a deeper need. They numb us to feelings and spiritual awareness by substituting a superficial high or a sense of activity for genuine feeling or accomplishment."

The whole topic of soft addictions is fascinating to me because in our society so many of us seem to be hooked on television, junk food or sugar. Wright connects these mindless consumers of our time with not wanting to feel our emotions or be present to our true needs. There are an infinite variety of ways to avoid our feelings (soft addictions).

SOFT ADDICTION EXAMPLES

Shopping
News or weather watching
Reading only one genre of books
Playing computer games or Internet searching
Listening to the TV or radio
Clipping coupons
Gossiping
Twitching or jiggling your foot or leg or hands
Being a pack rat
Overexercising
Flirting
Overworking
Overcommitting
Speeding
Gambling
Looking Good
Complaining
Moping

I'm certain we all find one or more of these as our common activities. But have you noticed yourself or others sitting with glazed-over eyes? This looks like a medical coma without the medical condition is a result of zoning out with addictions.

These pursuits alone are not bad or wrong. Our use of them to keep from feeling our true needs is what keeps us stuck in the drama or games and keeps us frustrated. It is especially noteworthy if we are hiding these pursuits or denying their power over us. And certainly if we believe that all we deserve is to sit alone, watch TV and eat junk food, there is a problem.

So I am currently looking at how much time I spend with both fictional books and television movies. I use these two areas for my down time because so much of my day is assisting others to grow or pursuing my own growth. Now I'm considering possible other relaxation activities. A better mix of options is going to be more satisfying and get me away from my soft addictions. So calls to friends or a bubble bath or walk are great options.

So what's your mindless pursuit? How much time do you spend at it? What feelings or sensations are in your body right before you start the soft addiction pursuit? Observing the sensations going on just before the need to snack or shop or check emails for the umpteenth time gives us clues about what the deep hunger might be.

MEANING FROM SATISFYING SPIRITUAL HUNGERS

Wright calls our deeper universal needs "spiritual hungers". We all have a need: to connect, to be loved, to be trusted, or to be respected. We all are motivated by these hungers, but we anesthetize ourselves with mindless addictions.

Spiritual hungers are everything from acknowledgment to acceptance and intimacy to love. These are the deep wishes we all have. There may be pain associated with these because we have not achieved them.

So Wright explains, instead of feeling our pain or loneliness or taking actions to satisfy our deepest needs, we cover and block them with food, compulsive activity or a permanent cranky or foul mood. The addictions many times keep us from true satisfaction.

Wright tells the reader about Heather who was into shopping, looking good and overspending on clothes. Heather traced the addictions back to getting approval and attention from her mother for dressing well. Now armed with this knowledge, Heather seeks contact and attention from others in a more positive way. And she knows she has value as a person because of her mind and not just her looks.

True fulfillment comes from feeling our real emotions and doing the activities to satisfy our spiritual hungers. These hungers are probably easy to identify for you. They are most likely needs or wishes you have had for years. What are your spiritual hungers? What do you desire at the deepest level? Another way to find this is to recall when you felt most alive and happy. That moment was probably filling your deepest needs. Now all you need do is distill the need or hunger from the memorable moment.

SPIRITUAL HUNGERS

To learn
To be close
To make a difference
To know God
To be one with all
To matter
To be affirmed
To be seen or heard

Wright explains that hungers are easier to fulfill because they are deeper and more general. There are many options in ways to fulfill them. One of my needs is to keep learning and growing. I do that through coaching, reading, taking classes, talking to others, and more. Also filling one hunger can satisfy others. So my need to learn and grow also gives me a way to connect to people in a deep and meaningful way (another spiritual hunger I have). Wright also maintains that simply acknowledging a hunger gives us some satisfaction because we are beginning to understand ourselves.

"The more you engage with your emotions, the less you will indulge your soft addictions. Your emotions hold immense clues about your concerns and hungers. If you learn to be with yourself and your feelings, you learn to draw on the wisdom of your heart. Your awareness of hurt will lead you to comfort; your anger will lead to greater effectiveness; and all of your emotions will lead to greater fulfillment. Give yourself permission to feel."

When you observe the sensations in your body and understand the desire underneath it, you can begin to add and subtract things in your life to reach the deepest hungers and stop blocking the feelings. Examples of things Wright suggests we add/subtract are:

ADD or SUBTRACT

ADD
Self-care to feed your soul
Time to be and feel
Self-expression and self-development
Time to share your gifts
Humor and creative expression
Spirituality
Beauty
Gratitude

SUBTRACT
Negative thoughts
Clutter
Eliminate addictions in stages
Identify the initial stage before the soft addiction and avoid it.

People to support you and hold you accountable will help. A coach can assist, too. There is no reason to go it alone. Wright also suggests rewards for yourself as you progress toward your goals.

These soft addictions are prohibiting us from reaching our greater lives. These greater lives are "consciously designed to be uplifting, meditative and deeply meaningful." You can be present to yourself and your feelings more of the time and present to others.

So as you enter a new year, I challenge you to look closely at your time wasters and see what you can shift and change to create more of what you desire in the new year.

Happy Holidays!

Love and light, eva

There Must be MORE Than This, Judith Wright, 2004.