CATALYST NEWS

Eva Dahm, CPCC, MA

May, 2006

Dedicated to your growth and exploration.

"When you are Louisa's age and sitting in a hospital room by the bedside of your infirm beloved, you want your family by your side. You want to remember that you are loved and cherished, that you made a difference in the world, that your spirit will live on. Crises make you realize that no one goes on forever, that this precious life is over in a snap-just like that. And it makes you want your offspring to reassure you that they will be there and love you till the end." -Luanne Rice, Dream Country

SUDDEN ILLNESS AND LIFE LESSONS

My family recently weathered a sudden, serious illness and all its insights. My Dad had a successful triple heart bypass with only five days warning. He went in for "tests," and they kept him-operating five days later. What a shock for us all!

My parents, sister and I all performed well and grew closer as a result. As I ride home from the return flight, I can only marvel at how life throws us curve balls so we can learn and change.

My sister arrived in two days for the surgery, and I got there 3 days after surgery to assist Mom and Dad home. My parents actually were surprised when we dropped everything and came to assist. We just assumed we would go. Mom said just today, "I don't know how I thought we could do this alone."

WE RISE TO THE OCCASION

We saw our parents as individuals with challenges and needs. I'll never forget how they didn't want to sleep apart after almost 60 years of marriage. My mother "moved into" the room with him, sleeping fitfully in a reclined chair most nights. She sacrificed her sleep to be there for him.

They saw their daughters as capable adults able to give assistance with everything-big or small. As I lay on my back under their leaking toilet, Dad said "You're saving us an $80 plumbing visit." (That says nothing about the flood if we hadn't caught the leak.)

The first night my sister and I stayed in their home alone it seemed so weird. We talked about how strange it was to be doing their chores-watering plants, feeding the birds, taking out the trash. And we worried if we were doing them "right" or not.

My parents also witnessed us fighting for them. My sister especially took on a very vocal roll in asking for medicine and even the two units of blood that led to my father's drastic improvement and final dismissal.

My sister and I (and Mom) spent almost two weeks jumping to assist with a blanket, drink, pillow, or lift up. And it was clear that we loved doing it all. (A great way to lose weight it turns out since we all dropped a few pounds.)

We cooked, washed, ran errands, hoisted heavy bags of birdseed-anything to fill the void when my Dad could only lift five pounds. (Not even a gallon of milk or the toaster oven!) He was shocked when he found the vacuum seal on the new refrigerator was too much to pull open. (He eventually found a way around that with a can opener to break the seal. Once an engineer, always an engineer.)

BEYOND ROLES

The best part of the whole experience is the new knowledge we have of each other as loving, capable adults. Sure, we are still parents and daughters, and now we are also better friends. We can be strong when the other one needs an assist-no matter what our family "role".

My mother found herself doing things that she relied on my Dad to do before-driving in a big city, learning to take out the trash, and (maybe) even pumping her own gas. She was the caregiver and also the strong advice and support person.

My younger sister was stretched, too. She took charge and drove several days when she was still recovering from a car accident herself. She stepped up as the dependable strong daughter (my role as eldest before). She also was very vocal in pushing the hospital staff for service when needed.

I actually had to delay my arrival due to calendar commitments, so I took the second shift. I sat back while my sister and Mom took the lead and showed me the routine. New roles for all three of us.

We all stretched and shifted our previously established positions in the family and grew into better rounded and more capable adult versions of ourselves together. And we still assisted and did what was needed with love.

DEEPER LOVE

So what are the benefits to our family? There is a sweet, gentle depth to our love of each other. Perhaps it comes from being so close to illness and loss and escaping. Perhaps it's from all the many displays of love called for when one is ill.

No matter. I cherish the new feelings and I know they all do, too. We know each other better because we have stepped beyond our family roles and done and been so much more.

I am especially grateful for all the many friends and family members who phoned, sent cards, and most importantly kept us all in their prayers. This event is proof to me of the web of connection that unites us all and of the power of prayer in our lives. Special thanks to my sister' family and mine for their willingness to do without our presence while we traveled and assisted in Tennessee. And special thanks to Uncle Bill and Aunt Millie who came early and stayed for a long week of preparation and surgery despite their own physical challenges.

I am thankful for my Dad, my Mom and my Sister and our continued good health. I am grateful for the skilled and caring doctors and nurses. I am especially appreciative for a successful surgery experience and the ability to move through it to a deeper love for my family.

Complimentary Coaching Session, Email Eva